Feelings

It's been a while since my last entry. This is largely due to the fact that over the past few weeks, i have been struggling with myself. Furthermore, i didn't actually want my blog to be filled with unhappiness and saddness. However, after much considerations, i decided to pen this thoughts down since the purpose of the blog is not only to share only the happy things but also my inner thoughts....so please bear with me.

I guess with that intro, you will have guessed i am having a replase abt my job again, right? In the past, the sudden urge to give everything all up or the fustrations about my job will only happen like once a month or so and actually this feelings will just go away within few days or after a round of retail theraphy will help pull me out of that dark pitch hole. However, for the past few weeks, the feelings were realli bad and i seriously just want to escape our of this world. Not sure if it is because now is the peak period for me or just that my patience is just running out of me. But becos of such strong sense of fustrations, it really set me thinking real hard on what should the route that i want to be?

I know many will say that all these feelings are all in me and i should not think too much and everything will be fine. Afterall, P&G is such a gd company and what about the pay check? Remember how hard it was for me to get into such a gd company or this role? bah...bah...

I totally understand all the above and that everyone has the best interest for me. However, i am really feeling miserable abt myself. I was never the kid who can achieve what i want? I don't get to enjoy the best toys that every other kids have because my parents are poor. I am not the most popular kid in school since i am not that likeable or cleverest kid. Neither have i the chance to find that person who can share my joy and saddness in life or that someone who can comfort me during my darkest / lowest point of life. Everything dependable alot on me. I know that i am still fortunate than many others since i dun have to starve myself, i have family and friends who actually care for me and i am still healthy... But all i want is to have a career that i like since i dun get to enjoy a lot of things that others have and i dun....I know that having a career that i like doesn't mean that it will be all happiness and no sadness but the fustrations from working in something you like and fustrations from working in something you dun like....it is a total different ball game in all.

I know if i leave my current role, it might not be definetly better but at least i might be happier for a short period of life since i will no longer drag myself out of bed every morning....i dun have to burst into tears when those fustrations come knocking at my door.....I dun have to feel that miserable whenever it is sunday just becos monday is coming and i have to work.....I dun have to wake up in the morning to suffer a round of panic attack.

Furthermore, if i continue to stay in my current role, the role portfolio is not helping me to get into the job i want and my pay will just keep increasing and i will get into a state that i will be too lazy to get out of that comfort zone since the opportunity cost will just get higher. Since now that i am still nt that old and i have less committment on my end hence shouldn't i just give it a try once last time. Otherwise, if i were to leave at a later stage and i will be like 29 or something, wldnt that be even more difficult in achieving what i want.

After weighing all the above, i decided to give myself another 6 mths and even by then i still cant find a job that i want, i will just leave my current place and pursue something else. It might not make sense for many of you as it is a big risk that i might be taking. But i just want to get away from all this fustrations and anger and be a happier person. Afterall, i actually tolerate and give myself a chance .....a whole 2 yrs....to survive in the environment. Isn't that enough?

So now, i don't need any more advice or support from anyone but just let me have my way one last time. If you really want to do something for me, then pray for me that i could really get a job that i like before Dec / Jan 08. All will turn out gd and all the fears will be redundant.

Sometimes, it realli make me wonder having a clear goal in life is a gd or bad thing? It make me more determined and inflexible in life...I am just not that kind of girl who can survive just on a pay check..A lot say it is because i am still young, not sure how true is that? Maybe i will really change when i am 30+ with no more passion and energy in life....everything remains unknown for now.