I should apologise to all who is reading this entry as it will be a sad entry filled with anger, disappointment and saddness. Hence, for those who are used to seeing a happy krissy, this will show another side of her and for those who don't like sad entry...skip this entry.
As far as i can remember, there are 3 instances where i really cry like there is no tomorrow.. to you, you might find the below reason as to my outburst as childish or "夸张" or unneccessary but being a crybaby these are instances where i really can't control:
1. When i failed my second driving practical test, i felt useless as i actually freak out during the test. That was so useless of me, i felt i let myself down so badly.
2. When i was being critised by someone during work doing some stupid stuff and actually quit my job because of that. So unprofessional of me to quit just like that. But i realli felt very 委屈 during the process as i was fresh out of school and doing something that even a primary school children is capable of and i stuck in the place doing that.
3. When i was unemployed and sink into a slight depression. I questioned my existence everyday and why things happen this way? Is it my fault? Is there something wrong with me? I felt super helpless at that time and i always feel that no one understand and everyone is pushing me to a route that i did'nt want to go.
When i mentioned in my previous entry with all the good things or news (ie, wedding bells ringing, new baby on the way and most importantly a potential new job) that i have been receiving since the start of the new year, i am always telling myself that this should be a stunning year or at least a better year as compared to the previous. Who will know that this will happen to me? It is such a big blow to me.
Though i have been to countless interviews but this is one that i thought if i did great, i will have a high chance of getting it. Hence i gave my best shot. When i am thinking everything is looking great for me, my dreams are dashed and not because i didn't do well but because of someone's selfishness. I really can't believe it. I cried till my tears just can't be control (maybe it is because i am someone who's tears glands are more active) but i am really 心痛 and helpless. Side note: thanks to those who listened to all my sorrows and crying. sorry for making you all worried about the useless me. I must be very 失态 but i really can't control. I would be worst if you all never lend a listening ear or provided those encouraging sms...offering to go shopping with me which i doubt will make me better. Nothing would make me feel better now. :-(
Back to where i am.....I have been waiting for this chance to move back to marketing and I am even prepared that it might not be the ideal marketing job or environment sucks but at least it enable me to move back to the path that i am dieing for. Even if it really did suck, i will be able to 忍 for a few years and it would create a better platform for me to move on. Unlike now, where my title isn't helping me a single bit but pushing me away from the course.
For those who are not aware, when i wanted to apply for this job, i went through the proper channel to inform my boss and they are aligned to it and say as long as there is proper transitioning, i will be able to change. Then now they tell me that considering now that one of my colleague is in hospital, another is leaving, my boss and director is leaving soon so the whole team is only left with my boss's boss while the rest are new so she don't think now is the right time to release me. Gosh! Do you know how i felt at that moment when these words reach my ears? I was still thinking that it will be good news when my boss and his boss ask to talk to me..how naive i am, right? She even dare to tell me that she is selfish and explain that to find a replacement is so difficult. But can't they just look from outside like how they found me? Furthermore, if i were to quit, they will also have to handle that within one month. I am so angry that i told her that i will still continue to look for opportunities outside and i will only be giving her 1 month notice. In that case, she also need to handle that isn't it? So to me it is whether they want or not, right? If everyone's movement was planned, why did they agree to me to attend the interview? Giving me a hope and crashing it right in front is so cruel of them. It is like telling a kid that she will have a sweet if she is good and when she is good, you eat that same sweet in front of her instead of giving to her. Or thinking there is light at the end of tunnel where you have been trapped for the longest time ever but to find that it is a dead end. I would rather they don't let me know and i will be still thinking that i lose to competition and at least i wouldn't feel so bad. Still dare to tell me they did'nt want me to feel that i did'nt do well in the interview but actually i did impress the other departments but just that because of current situation they can't let me go. Promising me that they will now look into planning for my move but can they find the exact things that i want or by then they will be giving me another story? They themselves know that it is so difficult to have such a position available. I have been in this role for 1.5 yrs and this is the 1st time that i come across such position. I can't wait another 1.5 yrs anymore.... I am really moving away from my goal. They are full of CRAP!
Everything that they say are from their viewpoints but have they ever thought how i will feel? They never understand how badly I wanted this. Dragging myself to work for the past 1.5 yrs...motivating myself that something good will be coming my way...Envying others where they are in a job that they like...this is the chance i am looking for the past 4 yrs and now it just slip through my fingers like that. The minute i think of this, my tears just can't be control and start sliping out from my ends of my eyes. I am not sure why i have to go through such a hard time in my career? Why can't I be others? I don't know what i have done wrong to deserve all this? Is it because i went telling everyone such a good chance that i have and so the luck just went away from me?
I am now so helpless, i don't know how to turn the situation around. I don't know how to talk myself out of this sadness. I don't want to end up in something i don't enjoy for the next 10, 20 or 30 yrs.
I didn't put up a fierce fight on Friday as i know my tears are coming out and i don't to be viewed as a crybaby or being so unprofessional and childish. Hence, i will talk to her again on Monday though i seriously don't feel like seeing their face again and i know nothing will be able to change the situation as the way they talked it is like a dead decision and it was just formality that they tell me first instead of me knowing from the other department... but i have to make my points out to her. Let them realise that for saying how good i am and that is what i get... it is not fair to me and super piss with them for doing that to me. I no longer value my stay with them.... I don't value the company or the department as much as they think.
Sorry everyone, i need a way to vent my fustration and make my tears all dry up...preparing for the big showdown on Monday and this is my only venue. I believe that the more i say maybe my tears will just stop and maybe provide a different perspective of the issues. You can't believe how badly I am taking this and sorry for all the poor attitude or black face that i might show you if we ever meet but this is really not a good way to start the year and i am really heartbroken inside. Nothing for me has been smooth sailing since ages. Haiz.
P.s. Please do not be affected by me and lose the faith in chasing your dreams or goals as i doubt anyone is as unlucky as me.
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